Dear Witty talks to Just.Can't.Anymore
Dear All,
Have you ever wanted to have a secret best friend that you could ask anything of and they'd validate your feelings, give a thoughtful response and, of course, never tell? We certainly have, which is why we are launching Dear WITTY! Dear WITTY is your friend, and our goal is to help you navigate the industry. You can ask WITTY anything you want; submissions are anonymous and answers will be from real people who care.
Dear Witty,
Several of the men in my department mansplain concepts— most I already know — to me on a regular basis. They do this in private and in front of my supervisors. It is humiliating, and I feel completely undermined every time it happens. The mansplainer gets to look like he is a subject matter expert while I am relegated to the role of student. I graduated 7 years ago and have been working in the tech industry for six years. I am fed up with this because I feel like every time I try to speak up for myself, I come across as combative and bitter to my peers. I don't know what to say at this point — how do I deal with this?
Sincerely,
Just.Can't.Anymore
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Dear Just.Can’t.Anymore,
First off, please know that you are not alone! We hear you, we see you, and there are many ways to manage the dreaded mansplainer! For those of you unfamiliar with the term “mansplain,” it was coined in 2008 by writer, historian and activist Rebecca Solnit. In her book of essays “Men Explain Things to Me,” Rebecca describes an instance where a man explains (man-splains) her own book to her. The kicker is, he didn’t even read it. Though this story is an extreme example of a man communicating in a patronizing or condescending way to a woman, subtle mansplaining* happens all the time in private and public spaces.
Nobody should feel humiliated at work, especially not in an industry where men vastly outnumber women. What we are going to suggest will take some courage and some work, but we hope it will be effective in making your work environment a safer space for everyone, especially women.
After much research, we have narrowed our suggestions down to three ways to address mansplainer behavior:
Nip it in the bud: that is, stop it before it starts or becomes “a thing.” There are a couple methods:
Asking for clarification during or after they mansplain. You can choose to interrupt them (or not). For example, “I’m curious as to why you mentioned this to me — are you wondering if I am unfamiliar with this concept?” After they respond (maybe with something defensive) you can say, “I’m sure you’re just trying to help but I would prefer you only explain something to me directly if I ask — does that make sense?” Wait for some more defensiveness. Then you can end it with “I just don’t want you to waste your time explaining something I probably know about; if you need clarification about my knowledge on a subject, I would prefer you ask me if I am familiar with it first. I really don’t want to waste your time or my own.”
Be funny — humor squashes the awkwardness (sometimes). You can raise an eyebrow with, “Wait wait wait...you know we have the same degree, right?” (Even if you don’t!) They may be confused and you can hit ‘em with a, “I’m just making light of the fact that you’re explaining something to me that I am very familiar with — I didn’t want to make you feel awkward about it...but I did want to make you aware.”
Ask for assistance — that is, do you have a support network at work? Is there a manager you trust? A coworker(s) who has your back? Enlist these people to help you stop the mansplaining, especially if they bear witness to it. They can stop the mansplainer in his tracks by making light of it or telling him in private that they notice what he’s doing and it’s detrimental to the meeting/unit/team/organization.
If the mansplaining continues even after addressing it, you can help others (and yourself) by writing an incident report with your HR representative or team. It is likely this person is like this with other folks at work, too. After a couple of reports about his behavior negatively impacting other employees, we can hope that HR will address the issue. So, keep notes (literally document the date, time, exactly what is said, etc). If you see this happening with another employee, ask them if they would be willing to do the same.
While we recognize that not all of these suggestions will help with your particular situation, they are a start. By voicing the problem, it becomes real. When it’s real, it’s something that can be addressed. Well-intentioned patronizing is still patronizing. And it’s exhausting and embarrassing. Work is hard enough without someone assuming you are ignorant. Good luck, Just.Can’t.Anymore.
If you have suggestions for Just.Can’t.Anymore’s mansplaining issue, please comment below! We would love to hear from you.
In solidarity,
Witty