Dear Witty talks to Left Out Lucy

Dear Witty,

I recently ended up with a new boss, a woman who has been at my company for a long time. Overall she is very nice and seems supportive, but her actions don't always line up with her words. For example, in 1:1s she'll tell me how committed she is to my career, but in meetings we attend together, she'll give peers of mine (who don't report to her) a lot of praise. She's also forgetful. For example, we had a customer meeting  for which I was running late because I went to get something for her, but when the room filled up before I returned, she texted me to say I couldn't attend, leaving my laptop locked in the room!

I want to make the most out of this relationship, but it is getting harder and harder to feel valued.

Help! 

Left Out Lucy

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Dear Left Out Lucy,

Yikes! When we sense a pattern of behavior where words don’t correlate with actions, especially in the workplace, we can often feel frustrated and confused. Your boss tells you she is supportive, but her actions are anything but. Fortunately, there are a couple of things you can do to try to clear the air and understand the source of this disconnected behavior.

Common advice says that the key to behavior change is being aware of the behavior, realizing the impact of the behavior on others, making a decision to change, and implementing said behavior change(s). 

Let’s weigh the possible options, shall we? Perhaps your manager doesn’t realize what she is doing. That is, maybe this is a learned behavior — she thinks she must protect her image regardless of her well-intentioned words. Maybe she even means what she says, but when it comes down to behavior, she does what will make herself look good when you seem to fumble (being late to the meeting, for example, might project a bad image of your company and she wouldn’t want to associate with that). This sucks for you, but it’s self-preservation from her perspective. 

If we are working off of this assumption, we should tread lightly. You want to talk to your boss with understanding, empathy and most importantly, with solutions in mind. Though this might sound like heavy lifting, it could be an opportunity to build trust with your manager and reveal how insightful and thoughtful of a colleague you are. It’s helpful to schedule a private meeting at a designated time for this discussion. Have your examples of her behavior ready (day/time/instance/what was communicated/what was enacted) and practice beforehand. If it gets heated, take a moment to breathe and collect yourself and your thoughts. Go into this meeting to be heard and also hear out your manager. The more vulnerable you are, the more likely it is you will be heard. Explain that you really appreciated when your manager said [insert wonderful, supportive things], but felt a disconnect when [insert shitty things like locking your computer in the room when she asked you to grab something for her]. Let her know you have her back and want to know that she feels the same. Ask if she would be willing to discuss the impact of her actions directly after a behavior if this happens in the future. Offer this to her as well — direct feedback — because you have a desire to do better. By discussing her behavior, understanding its impact on both of you, and considering some potential future actions, perhaps you will open lines of communication and build a more trusting relationship with your manager.

If a conversation of that breadth feels uncomfortable, you can always have a curt discussion about the exact instance that made you feel [insert emotion here]. Mention other instances where you thought your value was comprised and ask your manager if she sees a way to curtail potential similar instances in the future (hopefully you don’t get locked out of a meeting again, but this is great to have in your back pocket just in case). In this way, you have a strategy going forward together, and it’s not entirely on you to plan. If this seems like it’s not within your manager’s scope or she doesn’t seem to be on board, perhaps you could get an ally (a trusted coworker or HR team member) to help facilitate a discussion. Though involving another party may sound awkward, communication is your only way forward. 

If you have suggestions for Left Out Lucy, please comment below! We would love to hear from you.

In solidarity,

WITTY

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