Dear Witty talks to Only Lonely One
Dear Witty,
I left a company after many years. I am over 5 months into a new role but finding it lonely. I'm used to working remotely but felt like I developed stronger connections at my last company. Also, I’m realizing that all my "remote work friends" weren't really friends interested in connecting in real life. I'm not sure if it's even worth it to "invest" in a new set of remote work friends who are distributed across the U.S.
Besides my existing local friend network, I’m wondering if it makes more sense to cultivate a professional community locally.
- [Only Lonely One]
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Dear [Only Lonely One],
Whether or not you were one of the statistics that made up the Great Resignation, you are among the crowds of job switchers experiencing unexpected loneliness. Naturally challenging for any new employee, finding a sense of belonging is compounded by remote work. You sound a little tougher on yourself because you aren’t new to it, but rest assured, you're not the only one relearning how to work remotely in the context of a constantly changing pandemic. That means we're all looking to the experts for how to create meaningful virtual connections, but when so many of us were doing this for the first time, those experts had yet to clearly identify themselves.
Who are these experts? Ask an introvert.
Introverts over-index on virtual communication: email, text, chat and other asynchronous media. You’ll find us making virtual connections in channels like “happiness” and “pets.” Is that meaningful enough? Not at all, but it serves as the same kind of connection-building block we lost with the shared coffee, tea & water station in the break room. These interactions lack vulnerability, but familiarity builds trust, doesn’t it? But many readers here, and perhaps you, are not introverts. Introverts and extroverts learn strengths from one another. What helped someone thrive at connecting in an office environment, most introverts could learn and practice. Likewise, the discomfort extroverts feel when first connecting virtually fades with practice. It may be slower and less effective at first, but over time the effort we put into these connections are deeper and more sustainable.
What’s meaningful to you?
You mentioned that your previous remote work friends were not interested in connecting beyond virtually, nevertheless you also experienced stronger connections than you do now. Both can be true. It may be easier to understand if we think of the way we categorize friends by their level of closeness. Trusted colleagues and collaborators can naturally transcend work boundaries and be considered friends. But chances are, those remote work friendships you previously developed happened over time and over specific bonding events, like a particularly stressful client engagement, for example.
Should you invest in a new set of remote work friends?
I’m glad you framed your question this way. Often, we become emotionally invested in work relationships without asking if the returns are what we need. By asking the question, you take ownership of your expected ROI–return on investment. Yes, really, the concept is applicable. Know your own expected ROI and even your tolerance for risk as you invest. Intentional investment can have the most meaningful returns.
Does it make more sense to cultivate a professional community and connections locally? Great question! Professional communities can be a helpful starting point for making local connections, especially if you’re someone who benefits from structured social events. PDXWIT is a place where you can network with folks virtually (through monthly happy hours and our Slack community) and potentially in-person depending on where you are. Meetup is another great place where you can connect with folks over shared interests (professional or otherwise), with your personal level of investment being what you want to make of it.
In either case, when you know the boundary between a work acquaintance, a trusted colleague, and a work friend, and manage the boundary deliberately, connections can be deeper and self-sustaining, regardless of distance and professional context. No need to rule out the potential benefit of having friends around the globe should one decide to travel later on. And no need to choose between investing in local or remote friends.
Both may have value to you, feel free to customize.
In solidarity,
Witty
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