Dear Witty talks to Human Being
Dear Witty,
Something I’ve struggled with is handling situations where men I have networking coffees with ask me out on a date. In response to being asked out on a date, I’ve said that I am interested in friendship with them but often this makes continuing a comfortable professional relationship unlikely. I would like to know how to reclaim my space after this has happened, the potential of some of these friendships and my sense of power. How does one acknowledge this unwanted boundary violation from guys while also leaving space for the potential of a positive professional relationship to develop?
- Human Being
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Dear Human Being,
Good on you for going out there and networking! We imagine it might be frustrating and a bit exhausting to have people you want to connect with on a platonic, professional level try to lean into a romantic relationship with you. It is presumptuous and quite frankly, inappropriate. It is common for people to want to see more of you when they feel a connection. But for someone to assume that you want to go beyond a friendship could feel disconcerting and vexing. A smile, kindness or a desire to speak with someone does not equal a desire for anything beyond communication. Sadly these are sometimes misconstrued as indicators of something more.
It might feel like this is entirely on you to fix. It is not. You could simply walk away or avoid/block the person. On the other hand, this could also be an opportunity for you to feel a sense of empowerment by setting and communicating your boundaries.
Here are a few suggestions:
First, acknowledge your feelings and their connected needs. Perhaps you’re feeling uncomfortable, frustrated, annoyed, or confused because you are needing space, communication, understanding, peace of mind, comfort, shared reality, or to be seen/heard. Here is a feeling and need sheet from the NYC Center for Nonviolent Communication to help you self-empathize by pinpointing your feelings and needs around the situation.
Honor those needs by coming up with a strategy to meet them. For example, if you want communication, perhaps speak to the person about what they are doing or saying that is making you feel uncomfortable. Feel free to practice with a trusted friend beforehand if this feels awkward. Perhaps you will even come to shared reality where the both of you are feeling heard and understood. Often people are so immersed in their own world that they don’t see the entire picture or your side of it.
Be 100% clear that you are not interested in anything romantic with them – do not leave room for assumptions. By avoiding this important conversation, you’re allowing them to assume that maybe next week you’ll have time for them or they have a chance at some point. Even saying you’re interested in friendship might plant a seed of hope. Friendships will blossom on their own. It’s not your responsibility to initiate that, especially with someone who might want more than that. If they continue to be odd during future meetups, you might need to give that relationship space. Sometimes we need to let go of folks who just don’t get it.
You should be polite… but there is no need for an apology. For example, here are some things you might want to say:
“I am not interested in dating folks in my workplace/industry/friend group/ professional sphere.”
“I value our professional relationship and would prefer to keep this relationship solely professional.”
“I am not interested in dating — I am focused on my career/networking/business relationships only.”
If you try all of these and it still feels uncomfortable, the relationship is probably not worth saving. Someone unwilling to respect your boundaries wasn’t a good connection for you in the first place. Regardless of how they react, it is not your responsibility to offer friendship instead. Their discomfort is not your burden.
Readers – if you have suggestions for Human Being, please comment below! We would love to hear from you.
In solidarity,
WITTY
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